


Breathe In Saltwater, Breathe Out Air

by avislightwing



Series: Jester's Second First Kisses [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (oh my god they were roommates), Character Study, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Torture, Jester figures some things out, Kissing, Mentioned Aro WLW Yasha, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Post s2ep41, Rated Teen for swears, Roommates, SOMEONE TALK TO THIS GIRL PLEASE, SOMEONE WHO IS NOT NOTT, Sexuality Crisis, coming out to yourself, girls kissing girls (hell yeah), if you call this crack or slash I WILL find you, to quote a favorite fic author of mine:, with the help of her best friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-22 23:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16607243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avislightwing/pseuds/avislightwing
Summary: Jester knows how stories work. Boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, boy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after.So why does everything feel so wrong?





	Breathe In Saltwater, Breathe Out Air

**Author's Note:**

> Based on my Jester character study on Tumblr found here: https://birdiethebibliophile.tumblr.com/post/179847769641/birdiethebibliophile-jesters-so-confused

It wasn’t like Jester didn’t know girls could like other girls. She knew about women who were attracted to women, like Beau, and women who were attracted to women and also other people, like Keg, and women who didn’t like to go on dates with women but were sexually attracted to them, like Yasha. She just knew it didn’t apply to her. Of course it didn’t! She like boys – boys like Fjord, who were tall and handsome like all the boys she’d read about in books like _Tusk Love_.  She would fall in love with a boy, and have a whirlwind romance full of flowers and kisses and swooning, and then the boy would propose, and they would get married and be happy together, and he wouldn’t leave like her dad left her mama, because the boy she married would be nice and would care about her.

Not that her dad didn’t care about her mom. How could he not? She was Marion Lavorre, the Ruby of the Sea. And she was Jester Lavorre, Marion’s little sapphire. Anyone would love them if they just gave them the chance.

The point was, Jester liked boys. And in particular, she liked Fjord.

Fjord was perfect. He was her good friend, and he was so handsome, and he was so nice. Jester decided pretty early on after meeting him that obviously he was her true love. If this had been a storybook, that’s what would happen – they would fall in love and live happily ever after.

Things don’t always work like they do in stories, though.

If it was a story, she and Fjord and Yasha wouldn’t have been kidnapped and kept chained in cells. She and Fjord wouldn’t have had to hear Yasha scream as Lorenzo and his friends hurt her. The Traveler would’ve saved her, maybe.

If it was a story, Molly wouldn’t have died. She wouldn’t have woken up to see her friends around her minus one. He wouldn’t have ended up in the ground. Maybe she at least would’ve been able to say goodbye – it seemed like Jester never got to say goodbye. She didn’t get to say it to her dad – he left before she was born. She didn’t get to say it to her mom – maybe the first time, but not the second time, when they had to leave so fast on the Mistake. And she didn’t get to say goodbye to Molly.

If it was a story, Avantika wouldn’t have appeared, sweeping Fjord up with all her talk about eyes and serpents and magical power and being a pirate. Not that Jester didn’t like being a pirate – sometimes she thought she liked it more than Fjord.

If it was a story, Jester wouldn’t have almost drowned, and when Fjord breathed air into her lungs so she could unlock the door, it would’ve been romantic and special. Just like one of those moments should be.

But it wasn’t a story.

 _How did you feel?_  Nott asked.

 _Not dead,_  Jester told her.

_So, alive!_

Not dead wasn’t the same as alive, though. And alive wasn’t the same as what it should’ve been, which was like a story.

The way Nott talked about it, it was like a story. That’s what first kisses should be! They should be perfect, and romantic, and you should remember them forever. The kiss was really pretty blurry in Jester’s mind – her lungs were hurting, and she couldn’t see much. She just remember Fjord’s mouth mashing against hers and then there being air in her lungs and it hurting less.

The only thing she remembered feeling in the moment was _relief_ ,  and the only thing she remembered feeling afterwards was _disappointment_.

It was easier to keep being mad at Avantika, and to think that maybe it was just because Fjord didn’t like her yet. She could change that. She could _control_  that.

“Jester?”

Jester looked up from her sketchbook. She was designing possible tattoos. Once she got gem dust, she wanted to give herself one that would make her stronger, but she also wanted it to be very pretty, of course, so she had to think it through! Drawing dicks was fine but maybe she didn’t want a dick on her forever. No thank you. “Oh, hi, Beau,” she said. “What is it?”

“Wanted to talk to you.” Beau closed the door behind her and plopped down on the bed beside Jester, bouncing a little even though the bed was not bouncy at all (Jester had tried. It did not bounce).

“Okay!” Jester closed her sketchbook and put it under her pillow. “What did you want to talk about? Do you want me to give you that tattoo for Molly? I’m not very good yet – well, _I_   think I’m very good, it’s just Orly who doesn’t – but –”

“Nah,” Beau interrupted her. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about… I dunno. Fjord, I guess. At least, let’s start there. Yeah? Okay. Right.”

“About Fjord?” Jester drooped a little. “What about him?”

“Well. About you about Fjord. Fuck. Lemme start over.” Beau rubbed her knuckles over her eyes. “You got a crush on Fjord?”

“Of course!” Jester said immediately. “Who wouldn’t?”

“Not me,” Beau said. “And. This may sound real fuckin’ weird. But maybe not you.”

“What?” Jester said blankly. “Of course I have a crush on Fjord. I just said so.”

“Okay.” Beau bounced her legs up onto the bed, crouching with her knees up by her chest and all her weight on the balls of her feet like she liked to do. “Tell me why.”

“Well, he is very handsome, and very nice,” Jester started. “And he was my first friend after I left home, and he’s always been so nice to me, and I like talking to him, and stuff.”

“I mean, you’re obviously friends,” Beau said. “But why do you have a crush on him? How do you know?”

Jester opened her mouth to say that she wanted to kiss him and maybe someday have sex with him and get married and have lots of babies. That was what was in her mind. It was what had been in her mind for ages and ages, since Trostenwald where they all first met each other, at _least_.

But nothing came out.

_How did you feel?_

_Not dead._

“Beau?” she said.

“Yeah?”

“Fjord kissed me, you know. When we were in the temple, and I was drowning. He kissed me and gave me air so I wasn’t drowning anymore.” She could feel her face crumpling up, and she didn’t know why. “Have you ever kissed someone?”

“Yeah,” Beau said, and her voice was softer than it usually was. “Buncha people.”

“I think –” Jester’s voice cut off with a little frustrated shudder. “I think maybe it should feel better than just _not dead_ ,  maybe.”

Beau let out a long breath. “Yeah, it should,” she said. “Would you… want to do it again? Kiss him?”

Jester thought about it, how it felt, even underwater. She imagined Fjord kissing her in real life, again, not underwater. She knew what the answer was. She didn’t want to say it.

“Don’t make me punch you with my truth fists,” Beau joked lightly, like she didn’t really mean it. “C’mon, Jes, you can tell me. We’re best friends.”

“No,” Jester blurted out. “I don’t want to kiss him, I don’t want him to kiss me again, what is _wrong_   with me, he’s so handsome and nice and I wanted him to kiss me for months and months and now I _don’t_   and –” She could feel tears welling up in her eyes, and then she could feel them spill over and splash, hot and wet, onto her arms as they folded tight over her chest. “Beau, what’s wrong with me?” she said again, and she could feel panic tightening her chest as much as tears were tightening her throat.

“Hey. Hey, Jes, nothing’s wrong with you,” Beau said, and suddenly her tight-corded arms were wrapped around Jester. “Nothing’s wrong with you, okay? Not a damn thing. I just… damn, okay, where do I start. I only like girls, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” Jester sniffled.

“Right. Uh, I didn’t know that for a while,” Beau said, rocking back a little on her heels. “Figured it out pretty quick, but… I know it’s not like that for everyone. And you’ve just been so damn insistent you like Fjord, I got to thinking. So just… tell me about what you’re thinking now.”

“I’m thinking if Fjord isn’t right maybe no one is right,” Jester said. “Because he’s perfect. It’s like in _Tusk Love_.  He was supposed to kiss me and then we’d confess our love and live happily ever after.”

“Yeah, okay. Let’s back that cart up a little. You said you don’t want to kiss Fjord.” Jester shook her head miserably and tears started to fall again. Roughly but kindly, Beau rubbed the back of her hand across Jester’s face. “Yeah, I know. You thought about kissing anyone else?”

“Sometimes maybe,” Jester said. “I don’t know. Lots of people, probably.”

“Who?” Beau pressed. “Caleb?”

Jester made a face. “That was only because it was an emergency. He’s too smelly.”

Beau grinned at that. “Okay. Caduceus?”

“Nooo, he’s my friend, I don’t like him like that.”

“Nott?”

“Same as Caduceus. We’re friends. Not kissing kinds of friends.”

“Yasha?”

Jester hesitated and looked down at her lap. She unfolded her arms and twisted her hands against her skirt. “Maybe… one or two times.”

There was a pause. “Me?”

Jester looked up as the last tears dripped off her face. Beau was resting her forearms, wrapped and covered in her bracers, on her knees. Her expression was softer than Jester usually saw it, dark brown eyes in a brown face and lips in a smile quirked up a little on one side.

Jester _had_   thought about kissing those lips.

She’d thought that of course she had, Beau was really pretty and she would probably be a good kisser. Beau was one of her best friends. She was strong, and she was cool, and her hair looked really soft, and Jester liked being roommates with her. She’d thought that that didn’t mean she _liked_   Beau. Beau was a girl, and Jester liked boys, and that’s not how the storybooks went.

But Jester had been chained up in a cell.

And then Molly had died.

And she hadn’t gotten to say goodbye to her mom.

If those things hadn’t happened like in a story, maybe other things wouldn’t either.

“Yes,” Jester said. “I’ve thought about kissing you, Beau.”

“D’you want to?” Beau asked.

Jester’s heart skipped a beat, maybe, she thought.

“What?”

“Do you want to kiss me, Jester?” Beau asked, and Jester didn’t have to ask if Beau wanted Jester to kiss her, because it was written all over her face.

“Yes,” Jester said, and did.

It wasn’t a very good kiss – Jester had never actually kissed anyone to kiss them and not so someone wouldn’t die – but it was _different_.

It didn’t just make her feel _not dead_.

It made her feel alive.

Jester pulled away. “Oh,” she said.

Beau grinned, then rocked forwards on the balls of her feet and kissed Jester like she meant it. She kissed like Jester imagined she would kiss and then had laughed at herself for imagining, like the fight they had in Hupperdook, where they laughed and punched each other and then hugged. That’s what the kiss felt like. Not like Beau was punching her, but like friendship that didn’t have to be said in words, like something else.

Beau tipped forwards more, and caught herself with one hand on the bed on Jester’s other side, and that’s when Jester started kissing her back.

“Good?” Beau said as Jester chased her mouth, not wanting it to be moving around while she was trying to kiss it.

“Good,” Jester said, and then she was the one kissing Beau, pulling Beau close and oh, then Beau was in her lap, and Jester almost started crying again because it was really nice.

Jester remembered thinking Beau’s hair looked soft, and reached a hand up to it, then stopped.

“Go for it,” Beau said, and Jester pulled the ribbon out of Beau’s hair and pushed her hand into it, and it _was_   soft, not as soft as she’d imagined with the days and days of the salt in it, but still soft, and it was long and all around her hand, and then Beau’s hands were in her curls and wrapping around the base of her horns, and that all felt _really_   nice.

“Ow,” Beau said, and put a hand up to her mouth. “Your teeth are sharp.”

“Oh, did you cut yourself?” Jester pulled Beau’s hand away to see, and sure enough, her lip was bleeding. “Let me take care of that.” She said a quick prayer to the Traveler and touched Beau’s lip, and the cut closed over. And then she didn’t pull her hand away, and just slid her hand a little along Beau’s cheek.

“You okay?” Beau asked.

“Yeah,” Jester said, and nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay, I think. But I like kissing girls, I guess, and not boys. Well. I like kissing you. And I don’t like kissing Fjord.” She gave a little hysterical giggle. “I like kissing _you_   and not _Fjord_ .”

“I like kissing you too,” Beau said. “So. Works out.”

“Have you thought about kissing meeeeee before?” Jester said slyly.

Beau’s cheeks went red. “Maybe,” she said, and then, “Yeah. And I thought maybe… but then… I dunno. You were really going after Fjord for a while there, so I thought maybe I was wrong, and then you seemed pretty upset, so I thought. Guess I just thought I’d check. Just in case.”

“I’m glad you did.” Jester sighed and lifted Beau up a little to adjust on the bed. Her legs were falling asleep, but she didn’t want Beau to get off. “I’ve been really confused and it’s felt really really icky. And I guess I just thought that that was how first kisses were, maybe? And that if I did it more everything would be all fixed.”

“Sometimes that’s how it works, but sometimes it’s more like this,” Beau said with a little shrug that Jester could feel under the hand she had on Beau’s shoulder. “Sometimes it’s the person. Or, like, the whole…” She made a gesture. “Sometimes it’s boys that’s the problem. Was for me. You don’t have to know yet whether it is for you.”

“Okay.” Jester hugged Beau to her tightly, and Beau let out a breath really quick, like Jester had squeezed it out of her. “You’re the best roommate, Beau. And the best friend.”

“Thanks, Jes,” Beau said. “Glad I could help.”

“Maybe… we could do this again, sometime? Kissing each other?” Jester suggested, a little nervously.

“Yeah,” Beau agreed. “How about right now?”

“Yes, that too, please,” Jester said.

And as Jester smiled against Beau’s mouth, she realized that this was exactly how stories went.

She must have just been reading the wrong ones.


End file.
